Couples counselling
You are probably not having ten different fights.
The subject changes. The fight keeps ending in roughly the same place.
Virtual across British Columbia
Where we begin
The pattern underneath it.
One person pushes. The other shuts down.
Someone tries to explain, and the explanation makes everything worse. One of you leaves feeling unheard; the other leaves feeling blamed.
You may still care deeply about each other and find yourselves stuck in conversations that leave you feeling further apart. We start by understanding what happens between you, what each of you is trying to communicate, and where you lose each other.
Money. Sex. Parenting. Chores. Family. Work. The phone. The thing somebody said three days ago.
What brings couples in
You do not need to be on the verge of separation.
- The same arguments keep happening without resolution
- Communication becomes defensive, critical or shut down
- The relationship feels more like logistics than connection
- Trust has been damaged
- Resentment has accumulated faster than repair
- Sex, affection or intimacy has changed
- Parenting or blended-family pressures are pulling at the relationship
- Extended family has too much influence
- Work, health, grief or another transition has changed things
- One or both people are unsure whether to stay
- You still care but cannot seem to reach each other
- You want to strengthen the relationship before it reaches a crisis
There does not need to be one dramatic event. Relationships can become painful through years of small misses, failed repairs and conversations that never quite get finished.
In the room
I am active in couples sessions.
I take an active part in couples sessions. I may slow a conversation down, interrupt when you are talking past each other, or help you return to something important that was missed. We can practise saying what you mean and checking what your partner heard.
I also pay attention to what is working: an attempt to reach each other, a moment of softness, the humour that still belongs to both of you, or an effort to repair that went unnoticed. Those moments deserve attention alongside the difficulties.
Communication
Knowing the rules is not the same as being able to use them.
You may know how you want to communicate and still find it difficult when you feel dismissed, criticised, controlled, abandoned or completely misunderstood.
We will look at what happens between you when the conversation goes sideways.
Together, we can identify where the conversation changes direction and practise responding differently at those moments.
Family patterns
Both of you learned about relationships somewhere.
We learn early what closeness looks like, who is allowed to be angry, what happens when someone is disappointed, whether conflict is dangerous and how much of ourselves we are expected to give up to belong.
One person may come from a family where everyone says everything. The other may come from one where people go quiet until the problem disappears. Neither approach stays neatly in the past.
We may look at the rules, roles and loyalties each of you inherited. Not to blame your parents for your relationship or explain current behaviour away. The point is to recognise what you are repeating, what you are reacting against and what kind of relationship you actually want to build together.
Both people’s experiences matter. That does not make everything equal.
I want to understand each person’s experience and pay attention to the impact of what happens between you. Responsibility is not automatically shared equally because two people are involved.
We can be curious about why a response makes sense to someone while being clear about the harm it causes and what needs to change.
Damaged trust
What rebuilding trust asks of you.
When trust has been damaged, we can work through what happened, its impact, and what taking responsibility looks like in practice. That may include difficult conversations about boundaries, transparency and consistent changes over time.
There is room for hurt, uncertainty and different timelines. We can explore what repair would require and whether it is something each of you wants to work towards.
Decisions
Staying together is not the only acceptable outcome.
Some couples want help repairing a relationship they intend to keep. Some are trying to decide whether repair is possible. Some need help ending a relationship with more clarity and less damage.
My role is to help you explore that decision, with room for each person’s perspective.
The work is to understand what is happening, what has and has not changed, what each person wants and what the available choices actually cost.
You are allowed to be uncertain. The uncertainty itself may be part of what we need to work with.
No secrets, with managed transparency
I will not agree to hold ongoing information that materially affects the relationship or the couples work.
If something significant is disclosed privately, we will talk about how it needs to be brought into the room and how to do that responsibly.
I will not reveal it as an ambush. I also will not help maintain a parallel version of the relationship in which one partner is making decisions without information that fundamentally affects them.
We will review this policy before counselling begins.
Safety and suitability
If there is coercive control, ongoing violence, fear of retaliation or a significant inability to speak freely, joint counselling may be unsafe or unhelpful.
I may meet with each person separately or complete further screening before deciding whether we can proceed together.
If I do not believe joint sessions are appropriate, I will say so directly and discuss other options where possible.
Start with twenty minutes
Start with a conversation.
The free 20-minute fit check gives us a first conversation about what is bringing you in and whether working together makes sense. Both partners should attend whenever possible.