Couples counselling
You are probably not having ten different fights.
The subject changes. The fight keeps ending in roughly the same place.
Virtual across British Columbia
Where we begin
The pattern underneath it.
One person pushes. The other shuts down.
Someone tries to explain and the explanation makes everything worse. One of you leaves feeling unheard; the other leaves feeling blamed. Both of you become increasingly certain that the other person is the problem.
The details matter. So does the pattern underneath them.
That is where we start.
Money. Sex. Parenting. Chores. Family. Work. The phone. The thing somebody said three days ago.
What brings couples in
You do not need to be on the verge of separation.
- The same arguments keep happening without resolution
- Communication becomes defensive, critical or shut down
- The relationship feels more like logistics than connection
- Trust has been damaged
- Resentment has accumulated faster than repair
- Sex, affection or intimacy has changed
- Parenting or blended-family pressures are pulling at the relationship
- Extended family has too much influence
- Work, health, grief or another transition has changed things
- One or both people are unsure whether to stay
- You still care but cannot seem to reach each other
- You want to strengthen the relationship before it reaches a crisis
There does not need to be one dramatic event. Relationships can become painful through years of small misses, failed repairs and conversations that never quite get finished.
Communication
Knowing the rules is not the same as being able to use them.
Most couples already know the broad rules: listen, do not interrupt, use “I” statements, try not to call each other terrible names.
Knowing the rules at 2:00 p.m. is not the same as being able to use them when you feel dismissed, criticized, controlled, abandoned or completely misunderstood.
We will look at what actually happens between you when the conversation goes sideways.
I may stop an argument while it is happening, ask you to try something again or point out the moment the conversation stopped being about the original issue.
We are not aiming for a prettier version of the same fight. We are trying to make the pattern visible enough that you can interrupt it.
Family patterns
Both of you learned about relationships somewhere.
We learn early what closeness looks like, who is allowed to be angry, what happens when someone is disappointed, whether conflict is dangerous and how much of ourselves we are expected to give up to belong.
One person may come from a family where everyone says everything. The other may come from one where people go quiet until the problem disappears. Neither approach stays neatly in the past.
We may look at the rules, roles and loyalties each of you inherited. Not to blame your parents for your relationship or explain current behaviour away. The point is to recognize what you are repeating, what you are reacting against and what kind of relationship you actually want to build together.
Both people’s experiences matter. That does not make everything equal.
I am not going to divide responsibility down the middle simply because there are two people in the room.
I will pay attention to the pattern between you, but also to what each person is doing inside it.
Understanding why someone reacts a certain way does not erase the impact of the reaction. Being hurt does not make every response acceptable.
Being calm does not automatically make someone reasonable. I am not there to decide who wins the argument, but I will not pretend there is never a meaningful difference between behaviour that protects, behaviour that avoids and behaviour that harms.
Damaged trust
Repair has to involve more than saying sorry.
Rebuilding trust may require a clear account of what happened, responsibility without qualification and enough consistent behaviour for the injured person’s experience to change.
It may also require difficult decisions about boundaries, transparency and what continuing the relationship would actually demand from both of you.
I will not rush forgiveness, manufacture a neat ending or treat “moving forward” as evidence that the work is done.
Decisions
Staying together is not the only acceptable outcome.
Some couples want help repairing a relationship they intend to keep. Some are trying to decide whether repair is possible. Some need help ending a relationship with more clarity and less damage.
I will not quietly campaign for one outcome.
The work is to understand what is happening, what has and has not changed, what each person wants and what the available choices actually cost.
You are allowed to be uncertain. The uncertainty itself may be part of what we need to work with.
No secrets, with managed transparency
I will not agree to hold ongoing information that materially affects the relationship or the couples work.
If something significant is disclosed privately, we will talk about how it needs to be brought into the room and how to do that responsibly.
I will not reveal it as an ambush. I also will not help maintain a parallel version of the relationship in which one partner is making decisions without information that fundamentally affects them.
We will review this policy before counselling begins.
Safety and suitability
If there is coercive control, ongoing violence, fear of retaliation or a significant inability to speak freely, joint counselling may be unsafe or unhelpful.
I may meet with each person separately or complete further screening before deciding whether we can proceed together.
If I do not believe joint sessions are appropriate, I will say so directly and discuss other options where possible.
In the room
I am active in couples sessions.
I will listen, but I will not sit silently while you perform the same argument for fifty minutes.
I may interrupt. I may ask someone to answer the question that was actually asked. I may notice that one of you is becoming more reasonable in tone while becoming less available in substance.
I may return to the apology that contained six explanations and very little ownership.
I will also notice what is working: the bid that almost landed, the moment someone softened, the humour that still belongs to both of you, or the repair attempt that was missed because you were both too activated to recognize it.
Start with twenty minutes
Both partners should attend whenever possible.
The fit check is free. It gives us a short first conversation about what is bringing you in and whether I am the right person for the work.